Finding Happiness - Part 3. Acceptance

We all have an idea of how we’d like our lives to turn out, a plan even, goals. And we’re certainly bombarded with images of what our lives ‘should’ look like, from a really early age: successful career, marriage, a big house… who hasn’t felt the pressure to conform to that ideal?

But what happens when those dreams don’t materialise, or when we are faced with something we can’t change, and can do nothing about?

It doesn’t even have to be a big thing. We could get stuck in traffic, find our flight delayed for hours, cancelled. Maybe someone finished the milk and didn’t replace it. These might seem like small things, but in the moment, they can feel pretty serious - and the strength of the feelings that arise, can feel very similar to what happens in our bodies when we’re faced with the bigger issues in life.

We might feel frustrated, disappointed, impatient, angry. Hurt, resentful, bitter… it’s surprising what can come up in response to the smallest things. It’s also entirely natural to have any or all of these feelings - they are what make us human, and it would be strange actually, if we didn’t feel something.

But after a few hours, a few days, years - would it be helpful to still be feeling angry, irritated, resentful? Probably not.

This is where acceptance comes in.

‘Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. - Alcoholics Anonymous Serenity Prayer

I can’t remember now when I first heard the AA Serenity Prayer, but it struck a chord immediately.

Life isn’t all sunshine and roses, but it is still possible to enjoy both the sunshine and the roses, no matter what else might be happening in our lives. And it is this ability to separate and differentiate that is key, and that can be practiced - ideally first with the little things, and as our acceptance muscles gain strength, when the more difficult aspects of life start to come to the fore.

But this isn’t a case of practicing till we feel nothing - we will always feel something, no matter what, but we can get better at coping, and we can certainly start to influence and control how we react.

So the next time something comes along that irritates or upsets you, take breath. 

Exhale slowly. 

Take another breath.

Exhale slowly and deeply.

Repeat until you begin to feel calm.

Try to recognise your feelings and take a step back from them. (Naming them can really help with this: I am feeling angry. I am feeling hurt. I am feeling disappointed.)

With time, we can recognise that, yes, we are feeling angry or frustrated or hurt about what has happened, but that we are also able to walk in beautiful nature, take comfort from great friends, cook a nice meal.

Bad things do and will happen, but we don’t have to be ruled by them, or controlled by them.

We can accept, and in that acceptance we can find peace, tranquility and strength.

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